Ego death and The Cost of Success

Too much pressure, i feel so much pressure. Some days i sit with a blank mind but my chest feels so tight. I am bothered by something i am not aware of, being pursued by something i can’t see, afraid of something that cannot hurt me.

I have been telling myself that i need to write but i couldn’t sit with it, am i really that busy or just making excuses? Now i have waited so long that i don’t know what to write about anymore, i used to write about what i feel but i don’t think i feel anything anymore.

I wake up and focus on the work but is there value in this dedication or am i just a worker like everyone else? what makes me different from the next Engineer, the next person?

Have i lost the passion to create, to inspire? Have i lost my relevancy? I used to pride myself in writing only when required but now i force myself.

I have been thinking myself into an ego death, what is right, what is wrong, who is right, who is wrong, what should you use your life for, how should you use it?

I pondered on this for well over 5 years in search of the definitive answer that would eliminate all my dilly dallying and let me know what is required but i could not find one.

Someone cut you off in traffic and your pissed but the person is rushing to a meeting, you are right and the person is wrong, you cut someone off in traffic for a medical emergency, the person you cut off is pissed, who is right, who is wrong?

I have been looking at the problem the wrong way, nothing is wrong or right, it just is. Now i find it hard to pass judgement or call something wrong because what is right?

Now i just focus on my actions and try to do what’s right to the best of my abilities and that’s all that matters.

This year was a lot, i’ll try to write something for the specific lessons i learned but i’ll tell you this, that person you see and idolize has paid a hidden cost to be where they are.

I have seen the cost of success in it’s raw, bare form, and it’s not fun. So much pain, so much tears, so much headache, loneliness, abstinence from things you love the most.

You must do so much work for results you won’t see immediately, but upfront at a later time if you even have the endurance to thread the needle. Only guarantee is your self belief, ability to show up everyday and being so relentless that becoming unsuccessful is virtually impossible, it’s just a matter of when.

What do you want, how bad do you want it and how much are you willing to suffer for it?