The Fear We Must All Face

I wouldn’t even lie about it, I try to be a lively and exciting person and sometimes I am but in reality I harbour a deep darkness within, deep heavy trauma from my childhood, it’s always tucked in, I always never remember.

It’s there but it guides my subconscious action. Things like why am I so afraid of uncertainty or at least why was I always afraid ( I kind of feel like I have some control over it now ), why I always feel the need to create, why do I talk about life, why not tech? Why do I feel a sense of fulfilment when it helps someone?

I have always been a lonely scotch, every since I was younger, I grew up being afraid of loosing friends, I kind of have this feeling at the back of my mind that I am going to die alone.

I remember when I lost all my friends for a period of time circa JSS2-3, I was so scared and afraid, no sense of balance, it felt like everyone was against me even if people didn’t actually give a fuck about me, talked to my brother about it and he helped me patch it up with two of my friends at the time.

I try to never let the permanent scars in my psyche affect me, maybe I was handed a one litre bottle of trauma over the years and other people got one of those big yellow kegs as a souvenir, maybe I just know how to handle it better, maybe it’s just there lingering, like a virus, until something comes to activate it.

I always knew about the loneliness, this is nothing new, but the fear ( I don’t want to say anxiety because everyone is anxious and it’s kinda lost it’s meaning ), the fear resurfaces, maybe cause I have reached an age where everyone starts to actually go separate ways and do different things, maybe I feel the inadequacy within and feel like I am not worthy of friendships without having any value.

That’s why I am always creating, as compensation, no, as a coping mechanism, based on the idea that if keep creating things that people learn from, I would have value and if I have value I would be worthy of having quality friends and friendships.

When we deconstruct from the trauma angle a bit, it’s kind of true, we are all friends with people based on their value, what they can offer us, money, attention, wittiness, mentorship, inspiration, direction.

You are never almost friends with anyone you cannot benefit from in one way or the other.

To build the life you want to live, to create, to inspire, it is very lonely, it has always been lonely, I don’t think this is newfound knowledge, the main test of character is being comfortable in that loneliness.

Being the person that is ostracised from your friend group or close peers, even if you’re right ( if you’re wrong, you gotta apologise, don’t be on that people should accept me for who I am bs ).

We are all lonely by default, trying to be less lonely, trying to be seen, to want people to witness your life. I said this on a community call one day, the main purpose of marriage other than reproduction and family creation is the idea that you have someone, a partner or children that are witnesses to your life’s journey.

You get to a stage where you look at that darkness within you and lean into it ever so slightly, to a manageable extent where it can be controlled, then you micro dose on it periodically over the span of years or decades until you are immune.

There is a phase that everyone trying to grow encounters, it’s called the lonely chapter. Where you have outgrown your old friends but you’ve not grown enough to make new friends so you’re just in a limbo phase of loneliness.

I still have a fear of loosing friends, somewhere deep within but my conscious actions say otherwise, I’m really not afraid to loose people in reality and I am very comfortable in my own company. Maybe there is something I am left to uncover or realise.

If you want to be different, go down the untraveled road and make your own way, you must be comfortable with loneliness.

Identify your biggest fears and greatest flaws and lean over the edge of them everyday until you get comfortable with them, gaining understanding of your subconscious and in turn, gaining mastery over yourself.