i almost lost it all

i’ve been disordered, unclear, bewildered, muddled, disoriented lately.

i want to create, i really want to.

i started strong with the integral paradox, then it started to slow down.

i’ve been blank lately, i find it hard to focus, to ponder or think.

i always have a headache by afternoon, like my brain is tired.

why do you fail me at such a crucial time? i almost had it!

who can i vent to, that my brain no longer ponders?

i wanted to write about my addiction to power lines, i couldn’t even complete the writeup, i should’ve broken down.

i technically finished the writeup because of some compromise i had to make, just like multiple ideas in a thought, i couldn’t ponder at all.

what happens to a philosopher who can no longer philosophize?

what happens to a creator who can no longer create?

who motivates the motivator, inspires the inspirer?

i watched a video recently where Mark Manson said something about my condition.

“multitasking makes your brain tired because it’s supposed to settle on an individual task.”

it automatically hit me, i have to code two projects, sort out a podcast, sort out videos, sort out pictures, sort out quotes, create, write, research, read & write scripts, handle publicity and content strategies, have a social life and take care of myself.

of course my brain is going to crash out at 14:37.

i thought about leaving it all behind, what’s it worth?

i couldn’t sabotage myself like that so i planned some structured approach to this, hopefully it works. if it doesn’t? i’ll try again.

i started the holiday strong, and that motivation started to whither.

what happens to passion when motivations gone?

i had a structured approach for creating my content, but creativity crumbles under pressure.

i mean… isn’t it consistency that we preach? “how dare you slack jbtheinspirer?”

can’t even practice what you preach.

i then realized that to give you much receive.

how can i share knowledge when i’m not even learning?

then i realized, when last did i read a book? trust it’s been a while.

my schedule had no space for learning, just creating.

giving but not receiving.

i thought i had lost it all but here i am again, writing this.

it begs the question, why do we do what we do?

why are you trying to make money, why do you go to school, why do you sacrifice so much, why?

why am i writing this?

i used to think i didn’t make impact, focused on the numbers alone. but it’s more than just myself these days.

i didn’t just live, i learned and i created.

i wanted to quote myself but i found the full picture.

this is why i do what i do, what is your why?