To All The Brothers

I wanted to say that I am always feeling sad and I have not been happy in a while but what does happiness mean? feeling ecstatic? elated? sense of joy? - Those are pleasure definitions, the meaning definitions, purpose, pursuing long-term goals.

If we look at it this way then I have been happy or I should’ve been happy but I am always feeling sad.

Now am I feeling sad or is that just what I focus on?

I feel like I am always sad because I focus on the negative instead of the positive.

Not to sugar coat it, I have been taking very heavy L’s these past months but under analysis they were never life threatening, so do I focus on the L or the reality that I am still alive to get another L or hopefully, a W.

It’s June so Men’s Mental Health Month and Father’s Day just passed.

Degradation of my Sanity

I have not done anything creative in the past two months. Two months does not feel long to most people but to me it’s way too long to share the contents of my mind. It starts to get foggy, almost in a hindering matter, I cannot ponder new ideas and feel new things if I have not processed the old.

I cannot even trust my thoughts anymore.

It’s gotten to a point where I say things and end it with “but what do i know?” or anytime I am discussing with myself I say “at least that’s what i tell myself.”

My content has evolved, I used to have a lot to say from what I have learned, my earlier podcasts were evidence to this youthful exuberance.

These days you’re lucky to even get a sentence out of me.

It might just be a personality change, I was influenced by external philosophy in my early days but I rely on mine now and I actively have to ponder it or the fact that I have recently come to the realization that I know nothing.

I say nothing definite anymore because there is always a nuance to everything, another angle or viewpoint.

Is it degradation of sanity or is it just the true nature of knowledge, no definite, no absolute, sounds like a paradox, but what do I know?

To All The Brothers

It might not be obvious to you, if you have been reading my thoughts for the past three years, my whole creative catalog is a big immortalization project/therapy session.

The reason it doesn’t feel like outright nagging is because I give you something to think about for your own life and situations, there are also lessons so it’s more like mental regulation for me and mental stimulation for you.

This was supposed to come out in June, during Men’s Mental Health month and there’s no way I will not represent the guys because we feel collective pain.

She tells me to offload the contents of my mind, she says it with excitement and curiosity but my thoughts are dark and burdensome.

She says she can handle it, but all the guys know, from either experience or pain, that she cannot handle it and that’s alright, because that’s what the boys are there for.

We talk unfiltered about unadulterated experiences and don’t get “sorry” or “it’s going to be alright,” but actionable steps, plans, routines and the solace of confinement to the grave.

Simple creatures that desire simple solutions.

It’s naturally cliche in the circle of sausages to discuss mental health because we are supposed to be gods, with so much vigor and glorious purpose, surely the engines should never need servicing.

Now I may be wrong and the old ways should still apply where feelings should not be discussed but I would be lying if I didn’t say that being in touch with my feelings didn’t make me a more serene, less erratic human.

When I talk to people, men, I ask them “how are you feeling?” and give me the deep answer, not the one you tell everybody.

And most times they open up, like pressure pots with the covers about to blow over.

The journey is long, sad, lonely and disappointing but every once in a while, you get a big break, go out with the boys, talk to your brother, and because of that, the load seems lighter.

You are not alone brother, you never struggle alone and you never walk alone.

This one is for the brothers that do not know how to write out their troubles, I lend a hand.

To the brothers that have ravaging thoughts, I lend an ear.

To the brothers that are too scared to speak, I lend my words.

To all the brothers…