You think about other people too much

I used to love solving problems, at the time i had little to no mental barriers.

Mental barriers are neither good nor bad, it just depends on the type of barriers you place on yourself.

You cannot be a good leader if you cannot solve problems.

The truth is, when you start the journey of self-development, there’s no going back to normalcy, that would be easily termed as ignorance.

When you know the truth, it’s hard to live with a lie, it’s eats you from the inside, consuming your soul.

Same with when you learn a skill or start doing something you love, it’s hard to stop one day and tell yourself, “i want to take a break.” And go back to doing nothing with your life.

At this point i feel there is no rest for me with the amount of things i am aware of, the knowledge i wield or the skills i possess.

How many nights do i long for deep rest and I somehow still wake up early.

Gone are the 10-12 hours sleeping days. My brain deems it fit to wake me up from my “Self induced need to sleep because i am stressed” slumber.

When you think about it, it seems like the soul yearns for one thing but the body wants another.

Who is right, who is wrong?

Let me give you some context, there was a day i paused and asked, who am i doing this for? I mean i have asked this a million times but this one was different.

I noticed i was changing profile pictures to reflect my mood. Why? For who? What was i trying to do? Let people know my plight or maintain relevancy.

I was always posting “in the kitchen,” wanted people to know what i was working on. Where is the mystery? Where’s the old ghost Joba? Lost in appraises and appreciation texts, good reviews, what was the whole idea? Wasn’t it to create things and share to the world.

But before the world i was sharing it to myself.

I have mysteriously left the equation, it was what would people gain out of this podcast, writing or video.

It wasn’t about how i was learning from the process anymore.

So i decided to take a two months break to watch the world burn, but that’s a lie. Because if I disappeared for two months, the world would be perfectly fine.

So what’s the fuzz about. This started as “Joba, you are doing cool stuff and you don’t put it out there” to “Joba you are putting too much out there, not because of impact anymore but for relevancy.”

It’s like i have come full circle.

From being a ghost to being out there, wanting to be a ghost again.

Struggling with consistency to struggling with too much consistency.

I didn’t realize this earlier because i felt it didn’t have a definitive plot.

I guess some things are supposed to be plotless.